Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   If your food blog requires me to read more than two sentences to get to the recipe, I’m ordering a pizza.

   They’re raising your taxes because they gave all your money away.

   Elon showed the world that Twitter is not a business. It is a fraudulent front for mass information control.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   Shake what ya mamma gave ya! Me: Shakes therapy bill in the air.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart is currently looking like a fight-to-the-death battle Royal between the all day Pajama People vs the Sweat Pants crowd.

   Ciabatta… Italian for stale bread

   Them: What is your plan if a big war starts? Me: I’m pretty sure my boss wants me to work that day, so I guess I’m working.

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.

   Co-workers are like string lights. They all hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.

   Punishable by fine means legal for a price.

   If you get white milk from white cows, chocolate milk from brown cows, where does pink milk come from?

   Never let a recipe tell you how much cheese to put in. Measure it with your heart.

   Gas Pump: Do you want a receipt? Me: No, I’d rather forget this.

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   Playing "Real Boxing" on my IPad makes me feel like much more of a badass than I actually am.

   If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don’t eat them… it’s not chocolate! 🐰🐣🐇

   I will never drive a Jeep because you have to wave at other Jeep owners and I don't need that kind of pressure in my life.

   What's the difference between most hispanics at the border and stoners? Storners have papers.....