Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my evenings in the front yard treating it with weed killer.

   So..... Monica Lewinsky is now selling herself as a crusader for media abuse and ruined reputations.... Good for her because.... well..... ummm.... she blew her chance at a political career....

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.

   Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   Oh you think you have it bad? In my day you didn't see the other persons genitals until after you actually met them.

   Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.

   Life Observation: No matter where I live, my neighborhood has NEVER been even remotely the first stop on the mailman's post route.

   i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...

   Here's a tip for you travellers, when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me comes on your ipod in the airport, DON'T sing along. I spent 12 hours explaining that I was just singing the lyrics "Love me like a bomb, b...b...b..bomb"

   Jehovah's Witnesses should preach on Halloween night, people might actually answer the door.

   There goes Honey Boo Boo. America's collective IQ just rose by .00124%.

   Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   British Metallica: Master Of Crumpets.