Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   A man is buying an apple a banana and two eggs. The cashier says, “you must be single.” The man says, “wow, that’s right, how did you know?” The cashier says, “because you’re ugly.”

   Fun Fact: The majority of archeologist are women, due to their natural ability to dig up the past.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   Wonder if the skulls of your enemies are dishwasher safe. Asking for a friend.

   The first symptom of Covid-19 is believing everything the media says.

   When hanging toilet paper, remember beards are cool, mullets are bad.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   The hardest part about driving a Hummer, is trying to find your wiener when you go pee-pee.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   There is no rule that says you have to get married and start a family. Normalize sharing a mansion with your five best friends and ten dogs.

   S.H.I.T......So Happy It's Thursday!...Some of you just got to get that mind out of the gutter...

   Take your red flags and turn them into coats, traitors.

   When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   Your spouse is the best person to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone, because they’re not even listening.

   Explaining bedtime to the kids: “It’s not about how tired you are, it’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.