Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!

   .... I'm puzzled .... How did America go from being a nation that figured out how to put a man on the moon ... To one that is confused about which bathroom to use?

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   Looking forward to a nice English summer. Blue skies, warm and sunny. Should be a nice couple of days....

   Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   Next time you need to fart in public, say "Do I smell popcorn" then watch everyone take a deep breath

   Drinking decaf coffee is like watching porn with no hands

   Coffee! If you're not shaking, you need another cup.

   Angry people who can't take a joke have no idea how hilarious they are to those of us who can

   Ran my first 10K this morning. Just kidding, I'm on my third donut

   Two things: 1) Where have you been all my life? 2) Can you please go back there?

   Yawning is just a silent scream for coffee

   Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.

   I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults.

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   Do not drink and drive...because there are people out there who text and drive and they will hit you and it will be your fault!!!

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World holding a fishing rod.