Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

   party idea: “DUI or IUD?” you can only invite people who have one or both and you CAN’T divulge which

   HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

   I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

   Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

   I wonder if black ants and red ants have a beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

   I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

   Life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like mixed vegetables with freezer burn.

   It’s been “one of those days,” for like 3 years now.

   I have one nerve left, and you’re dry humping it.

   Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “skip intro,” when they start talking to you.

   What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done? Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

   The symbol & looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor.

   What if slugs are just snails that have gone through a divorce. “Yep, she got the house.”

   Don’t judge me because I’m quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.

   Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other the damn Government will read it.

   Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.