Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   I've reached that age where scratching my b@lls has become both an art and a science. Actually, it's a finely tuned combination of both a taffy pull and a game of hot potato.

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   My hobbies include but are not limited to, being difficult for no reason & not responding to texts.

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.

   Many people seem to appreciate my honesty until I'm honest with them. Then I become an azzhole....

   Thank you myfitnesspal for helping me track my calorie intake. Apparently I'm eating enough every day to keep three people alive.

   Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.

   My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking....

   Rarely do I go a full day without attempting a Russian accent.

   I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....

   "Cheesecake solves all problems." ~ Golden Girls 3:16

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Never trusted Cinderella because in a world of fairy tales, who uses a broom to clean? She should have used it to fly far far away.

   I'm not judgemental until you call Led Zeppelin old.