Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy. 
Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.
If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.
Hillary Clinton isn't really sick, lizard people don't get sick....
Dance like no one is secretly going to put that mess on Periscope.
Probably the one thing I enjoy about dating homeless women so much is they really don't seem to care where I drop em off at.
Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.
The only person excited to find out about Hillary's Body Double is Bill Clinton.
The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"
I just checked my account balance at the ATM, it printed me out a coupon for ramen noodles.
Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale
Hillary didn't faint, her knees didn't buckle... She slipped on all of her bull$hit....
The cool thing about democracy is that some people believe wrestling is real and they get to vote in the same elections as you do.
My white Camaro is fully loaded with a Whitesnake car alarm and denim interior.
Shout out to my neighbors for the 2 AM gun shots; I hope you enjoyed my 7 AM weed whacking.
Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?
I can't wait for October, when sock selfies supplant feet selfies.
Dear friend, Regrets I can't go to your wedding. Shagging a Naval Officer. It will last longer than your marriage. Godspeed.
I wasn't planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung Galaxy phones.
When my dog twitches his front paws in his sleep, I like to think he's dreaming of playing the bongos. 