Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   Today I took a long honest look in the mirror and I did not like what I saw. (No I'm not feeling guilty about anything, I just look like crap.)

   ME AT THE GYM : WHERE ARE THE STEPPING MACHINES ? GYM RAT : UPSTAIRS BRO ME: TAKES ELEVATOR

   Remember making up fake rules when there is a substitute teacher?

   I bought a lamp made from Citrus fruit, but I refuse to use it. I’m trying to avoid the Limelight.

   After hitting that pothole I can see Spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

   How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear . . . 🫢

   hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

   Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

   I may not know much, but I know mayo doesn't go on a taco.

   It takes skill to trip over cordless phones!

   Today I learned you can use disposable masks to brew Espresso. That’s because they’re Coughy filters.

   Guys, when your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance", just go ahead and start putting your shoes on. She means now.

   The Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters.

   Dear women's basketball, your 15 minutes of fame is over. See you in a few years.

   I love the three little pigs; Bacon, Ham, and Sausage!

   I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays.

   Marriage tip: When you're away from your wife for a night, ignore all of her phone calls. This will cause her to miss you more while you're gone so that she'll love you more when you're home.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, keep your husband on his toes by randomly asking him "Are you listening to me?" That way you always have his full attention.

   Disney teaches us to hate stepmothers. PornHub takes a whole different approach.