Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   Forest Whitaker's left eye has more self-control than I do.

   The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.

   This doctor is claiming he's the best surgeon of all time. He said, a few years back I was able to jam this guy's brains all back in his head after an accident, and look... Now he's president

   If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

   The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

   Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.

   Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

   The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

   Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

   my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin I was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

   Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.

   I look better in person.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.

   Opportunity does not knock; it presents itself when you beat down the door.

   Women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja.

   The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.