Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   How the heck did America go from "E Pluribus Unum" to .... "E Unibus Plurum?"

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that only played music from the 1970’s. I didn’t want to sing but they handed me the mic. At first I was afraid. I was petrified. And I spent the night thinking how my friends did me wrong but I grew strong and I lea

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   So Obama likes surfing. That PROVES he's more in touch with his white side. Blacks are afraid of the water.

   Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

   I went to a karaoke bar last night that refused to play songs from the 70's. At first I was afraid,I was petrified.

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   I'm so old that I remember when people cared for their country and defended the constitution instead of trashing it and burning it to the ground.

   Went to Walmart and some lady was escorted out of the store as she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   It's protesting when civil rights are violated. Protesting for not getting your way is called whining.

   They say"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" Well I have been alive a long time and had 2 near death experiences and I have not gained an ounce in muscles yet.

   I'll bet Rosa Parks could really kick ass at Musical Chairs.

   Dear americans: you DO know the rest of the world are laughing at you, don't you?

   The Chinese built a wall and no Mexican can be found. See? See? IT WORKS!

   We should build a wall around Trump.

   At this very moment, Mexicans are building ladders.

   The only way you can get a like from some of the chicks is to take a picture of them while they are standing in front of a bathroom mirror taking a picture of themselves while they are looking thru an album of previous selfies taken earlier that day.

   Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper.