Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

   To the thief who stole my anti-depressants, I hope you're happy.

   Hey guys, lets confuse the girls..245/35R18

   9 years ago, my friend Mike came running from the room shouting “It’s a boy” with tears in his eyes. We never went back to Thailand.

   September Alzheimers and Dementia awareness month. Everybody forgets it.

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   Home is where you can scratch where it really itches.

   Remember WWE admitted everything was staged entertainment? I'm waiting for politicians to make the same announcement.

   "Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting

   Yom Kippur: Hebrew for, "We atone for our sins today, which we will commit again tomorrow." Catholic Confession: "Ditto."

   BLOND: How much does that microwave cost? MANAGER: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes. BLOND: How did you know I was a natural blond? MANAGER: Because that's a TV.

   When everyone can see you're being a d!(k .... you're a cting like grey sweatpants

   When I was a kid, the term "gaslighting" didn't involve playing mind games. It involved a Bic lighter and a fart.

   I'm lonelier than Colin Kaepernick at a Garth Brooks concert.

   The Three Stages of Life: Wanting stuff. Accumulating stuff. Getting rid of stuff.

   I've never seen 'Downton Abbey', but I did see the episode of 'Roseanne' when Becky "cut the cheese" at least 50 times.

   Does anyone else have the urge to crank a hog when they enter a theater room?

   I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

   We all know it costs $0 to be kind. But did you also know it costs $0 to use your blinker? Don’t be a d-bag. Use your blinker.

   Well shiver me timbers, tis International talk like a pirate day maties! And if ye ever wonder why pirates don’t shower before walking the plank, tis because the they’ll wash up on shore later!