Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   Do I have to have watch Spiderman one, two, three, one, two, one, and two to understand what’s going on in Spiderman 3?

   A woman asked if I'd like a cherry cordial. I high fived myself and said, "Finally! A virgin!" Turned out she was only offering me candy.

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

   Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

   That awkward moment when the operator asks you to read back the confirmation number.

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   Glad to see the vaccine has been released today in the US and it's not made by the Clorox cleaning company.

   Have you noticed how much tires cost these days? Is that because of inflation or what?

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Last year for Christmas I got a sweater...this year I am hoping for a moaner or screamer.

   Good newsh, I'm shurvivfing the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss!

   We must learn to accept things. Such as Biden winning the presidency and the fact that it was a sham.

   I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.