Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   Im 100% convinced, the Coronavirus is nothing but a l*beral plot to take down Trump. I hate libt*rds so much!

   President Obama set up anti-pandemic programs in 47 vulnerable countries, as a way to protect against something just like Coronavirus breaking out across the world. Experts begged Trump to keep them open. He closed 37 of them.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

   I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.

   They say women only use 10% of their anger

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   This status is brought to you today by the neighbor's router.

   Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

   Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   Husbands married on February 29th are fortunate in that they only have to sleep on the couch once every 4 years after forgetting their Anniversary

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

   Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

   Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

   I'm not trying to talk out of turn or anything here about the coronavirus BUT, have they tried it with a lime?

   It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.