Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My plumber said that the weird noise coming out of my shower is me crying.

   What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir

   How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.

   In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan

   Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   My life is stitched together with vices.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?

   I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.

   If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...