Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   "Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon. Going to the candidates' debate. Laugh about it, shout about it When you've got to choose Every way you look at this you lose" - Simon and Garfunkel (1968)

   Melania confirms in CNN interview that she is very angry at Moose and Squirrel.

   Chicken Pot Pie.. Three of my favorite things 😁

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   Social Media is a cruel and shallow disingenuous trench, a long cyber hallway where lies and anger run free, and good people are treated like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   During times of Universal Deceit, Telling the Truth becomes a Revolutionary Act.

   My girlfriend and I went looking at rings the other day. I decided on the onion cut. She was not amused.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   I drink to forget that I accidentally once said " I love you" when ending a call with a customer service rep.

   Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   Call your man "Boyoncé" today so he feels empowered.

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   I'll remember which side my gas tank is on when I'm dead.