Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........

   my cats gonna s*it when he see's I got him a new litter box for his B-day..

   I own seven pairs of khaki pants in case anyone wants to start a gang.

   I froze my balls off this morning. It is so cold I am not even going to go find them. They can stay there until the snow melts.

   There are never any fat weather girls on TV. I wish there were. I don't trust all these skinny bit@@es.

   Relationship status - Is anybody looking for US citizenship?

   This isn't a ' dating ' site. It's a ' gave up on dating ' site.

   Sometimes I take things too far. I know this.

   The best way to drink decaf coffee is to throw it at somebody.

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

   The Academy has eight best picture nominations this year. How do they expect me to watch them all before Oscar night? I haven't even seen Star Wars eight times yet!

   Church last night talked about Jesus turning water into wine. Reminds me of when I saw some of you turn entire student loans into beer

   Tinder girls. "Not looking for hook ups" (best joke I've read in a while)

   In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi

   My wife worked my a$$ off yesterday. It's still laying out in the yard somewhere.

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Have they invented the Sitbit yet ..its more my "fit"

   Martin Luther King would be rolling over in his grave if he knew people were trying to equate his legacy with #BlackLivesMatter felons.

   The problem with "Friends with Benefits" is that the out-of-pocket costs are way too high.

   The Desperado has a Peaceful Easy Feeling in the Hotel California...R.I.P. Glenn