Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you have to go to the DMV to register as a sex offender or can you do it online? Asking for 14 friends and an uncle.

   Found some old Playboys in the attic from the 70's, maybe they shpuld have named the magazine "Hair Club for Men".

   I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

   Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   It was so cold today in D.C. that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 😂😳

   To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas gift.... 📕📗 They are due back at the library today. 😂😂😂

   Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂

   There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them. 👌🏻

   When a guy says he's looking for a "Country Girl" that doesn't mean he's looking for a girl that's been plowed more times then the family farm. 🐽🐮

   A daughter asked her mother how to spell pinus, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mother

   Hoping that Steve Harvey isn't the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.

   I see that there are now Toy Australian Shepard dogs. What are they going to do herd guinea pigs?

   Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important. Capture the good times. Develop from the negatives. And if things don't turn out, just take another shot.

   When they captured el Chapo, I think they also got rid of El Niño, because it is frickin cold here

   Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.