Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your mum is gonna do that thing your daddy likes tonight because it's a holiday. Food for thought.

   Ralphie looking at leg lamp:[narrating as Adult] "Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

   As much as Santa came last night I bet he will sleep for a week

   Santa came down the chimney, at half past three. W

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   athiests are awful quite Xmas morning

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   DONALD TRUMP CIRCUS - When you're waiting for a joke to be over but its taking forever, thanks to some idiots perpetuating it.

   I dream of a Kardashian-free 2016.

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   Woooooo whoooo!! Just got an email from mark zuckerberg's secratarty stating that I just won 4.5mill all they need is 3k from me to release the funds, just sent them my banking info , Aruba here I come!!! suckkkerrsss!!

   I hate being sick at Christmas. My wife says I'm not sick, but I was just jacking it while looking at a picture of a fat nun pissing on a hot schools girl. How is that not sick.

   Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.

   I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.

   The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?