Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Many moons ago,,, Apparently, We had more than one moon

   My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this

   Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.

   over the river and through the woods, man this Uber driver is lost

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   Lazy is as lazy doesn't.

   I'd lilke to thank my dealer for today, I'm halfway through my businesss day and haven't killed anyone. You sir are a true Hero.

   My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day..

   "Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?

   I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   What happens when you solve a Rubik's cube? Does it explode into Skittles or am I wasting my time?

   If Bill Cosby were black he'd be in jail by now.

   I'll believe Jimmy Carter's brain cancer is gone when I hear it from someone who doesn't have brain cancer.

   pulled my groin playing reindeer games!

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.