Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone else gonna run for President or is this all we have?

   Who are you to doubt God? And Santa Claus? And the Easter Bunny? And...

   So you can get up early to go shopping on Black Friday but you can't get up early on Sunday to go to church.

   Good guys with guns are all over the place. But you never hear about them because they are not breaking the law.

   I finally stopped believing. Journey is going to be so pissed at me.

   "When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?" No parents want their children to be terrorist.

   You sneeze, and a tiny book titled "A spiders guide to navigating the human brain" shoots out your nose....* You faintly hear a spider cussing.

   campfire]And that's when he realized... HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

   Good guys with guns are all over the place. because they are to insecure to take matters into their own hands.

   Religion and guns don't kill people, humans do. Get rid of both and you have solved 75% of the problem.

   Let's have a ''Bring Your Gun'' on Black Friday and see the diffrence it makes.

   my science teacher said living things are made up of cells so why don't we call our lovers our "cell mates"?

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.

   Don't worry white folks; the rhythm is never going to get you. You're safe.

   English: even when they had guns, the still preferred to smash the sh1t out your face in a fair fight.

   Don't take life laying down. That is, unless you're a prostitute. . .

   White folks dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

   Cocaine so white, it quietly forms a single file line.

   On a scale of Bruno Mars to Wesley Snipes, how dark do you want your coffee?

   Heavy D: Now that we found love, what are we gonna do with it? Scientist: Containment protocol, we can't have everybody catching feelings.