Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.

   When you have a mouthful of turkey and someone says "Let us pray."

   Black Friday: That day we spend hundreds of dollars on material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.

   I've heard enough of this Black Friday crap. The sooner we realize that all Fridays matter the better off we'll be as a society.

   *walks into the liquor store* What kind of black Friday deals yall got going on?

   Thanksgiving is that one special day where an innocent man on Death Row gets to turn on the TV and watch the President pardon a Turkey. 454 retweets 986 likes

   She enjoys long romantic scrolls on her phone. But still claims to be in touch with reality.

   When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   What do you call a group of epileptics in a bowl? Seizure Salad!

   I would throw all Dallas Cowboys fans a complement but Luke Kuechly would intercept that too.

   So... how many broken bones and broken nails have ya got on Black Friday? Are you satisfied with your brand new TV that you saved 20 bucks on?

   I saw a video today of people going crazy in Walmart grabbing stuff. I thought it was a black Friday thing. It was just the video of people protesting in Ferguson

   I hope no babies were killed at the Planed Parenthood shooting

   If Jesus really loved us, he would've turned the oceans into wine.

   Immigration puns are funny but they cross the line.

   .... I was watching th news tonite .... I thought I was watching the violent Black Friday shopping mayhem .... turns out it was just the Black Lives Matter protests .... ....

   Freedom comes with wisdom, and no religion wants people to be free.