Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.

   So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.

   The deep freeze of winter has finally arrived. It's that time of year when most women and Bruce Jenner say thank God for padded bras.

   If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.

   Any female singer not named Adele shouldn't spend a lot of time writing her Grammy acceptance speech...

   You are a soul driving a meat-covered-skeleton made of stardust hurtling through space on an organic spaceship. Fear nothing.

   There's way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.~ George Carlin

   I JUST HEARD THERE IS A COUGAR ON THE LOOSE IN TOWN. I just baited a trap with a Best of air supply cd and a bottle of wine.. I'll catch her

   The suicide bomber was an outgoing person? More like an inside-out going person.