Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

   No matter how much lice shampoo I use it doesn't provide the sheen or volume that I get when I wash my lice with regular shampoo.

   It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it "Indecent Exposure" but whatever.....

   I love my women like I love my whisky: twenty years old and mixed up with coke.

   I wonder if prostitutes from India tells their coustomers "Thank you cum again"?

   White privilege is how Amy Winehouse was considered a misunderstood soul and Whitney Houston was considered a crackhead.

   (An news article comment) "I'm going to go online and complain about this" watch the replies

   Be right with you, I'm not quite through disappointing this person yet.

   There is no such thing as 'American English'. There is English and there are mistakes.

   Cluelessness in dogs is cute but not so much in human beings.

   If Bruce Jenner can win woman of the year, I see no reason why Sarah Jessica Parker can't win the Kentucky Derby.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.

   Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.

   The difference between you and me: You call the shots. And I drink them.

   UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.

   Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son