Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   I may not be great in bed, but I should at least get a participation medal after sex.

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.

   This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.

   My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .

   My safeword is Pineapple

   At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.

   I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?

   Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth

   Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.