Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "One man's trash is another man's treasure" is not the advisable way to tell your child he was adopted.

   Your SMS inbox is your shopping updates app now. Card transaction information Order confirmation Package tracking Delivery Information

   We know how annoying it is when skinny girls keep talking about how fat they are. Stop fishing for damn compliments

   Nurse::::You unplugged your grandmothers life support ,, well excuse me lady but ..My phone had 1% life left..

   Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn from this unfortunate accident?

   Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....

   Halloween is a great time to get rid of any expired or unused meds.

   Gotta love Lamar Odom.... This is the first time in history the hookers and coke actually saved a guy's marriage.... Rock on Lamar

   If you think that age is just a number, then prison is just a house .

   I'm flirtatious, which means i'm poor.

   What if oxygen is poisonous and it just takes 75-100 years to kill us...

   People who work at McDonalds act like the sauces come out of their wages, just throw 5 in the bag and behave.

   After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"

   I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

   Safety Rule #1. Never put your hand where you wouldn't put your willy

   I'm from Canada, but they kicked me out 'cause I wasn't sorry.

   *watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!

   You havent truly hated me until you've heard me eat a bag of chips while you're trying to watch a movie.

   My neighbours kids pretend restaurant sucks,, The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   How can someone who makes less than 200,000 a year vote Republican I'll never understand.