Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   When the cashier said "Strip down facing me" how was I supposed to know she meant my debit card?

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   I wear running shoes so I look like I'm going places.

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   I'll sleep when you're dead.

   What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator..

   Are you butt dailing, cause I swear that a$$ is calling me

   your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   Glen died on walking dead tonight guys

   For all you people thinking about giving healthy Halloween treats, just stop now while you are ahead

   Monday's aren't bad.. You just hate your job

   Monday's don't suck... Your life does