Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God saying to Eve "You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it" was prove that even he makes mistakes #talkingtoawoman"

   I love having marital relations. My wife knows what I like and I know what she won't do!

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   Family with benefits. - Rednecks.

   85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.

   If I've learned anything from Facebook, it's that everyone has a birthday

   Co-Worker: Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Me: No, but I know a few on Facebook.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want them to be alive..

   You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.

   A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .

   The Kardashians turned Scott into an alcoholic, Lamar into a crackhead, and Bruce into a woman. I can't wait to see what they do to Kanye...

   Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

   Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help

   "Imma let you finish, Lamar, but Whitney Houston had the best naked on cocaine death ever". - Kanye West

   COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling?

   Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..

   dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]

   What's that called when out of the blue she asks you to squeeze her cantaloupes in the grocery?

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.