Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best time to weigh yourself is after the exorcism.

   I thought about you this morning. I was cleaning my gun.

   I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

   Do athletic people not know about Netflix?

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   Every musical should have a minor character that's aware of all the music and dancing and is visibly terrified.

   The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

   The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

   With enough warning, I can be very spontaneous.

   Whenever I'm sad, I remember that my cats most likely think I’m out hunting for them all day, and then I feel like a badass again

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Where do people go when they unfriend you???... Is it a better place???

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar, and The Martian: America has spent too much money retrieving Matt Damon. It is time to stop.

   Taco Bell should have pink tacos for breast cancer awareness month. Who doesn't like eating pink tacos?

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk

   Mike Vick has had better days in Leavenworth

   Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.