Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   My friend's become a dealer. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean at the casino. He says it's a good place to sell drugs.

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   Yes, I saved my old beeper. If that technology comes back around I don't want to be paying $20 for a new one.

   Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"

   Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot

   I don't go to the gym, I like for things to work themselves out.

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?

   I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"

   It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.

   These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.

   All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.

   Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.