Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last year I asked santa for the sexiest person ever and I woke up in a box

   I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen

   I always lick my lips when I see kids in public places because they need to realize their are bad people in this world

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   Not sure why Amtraks slogan is not "Travel with your drugs, we won't check""

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.

   The Buddhist Mafia is called Karma.

   Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”

   There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all 5 We call that one a "unicorn"

   Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.

   [Price Is Right with me in contestants row].. Drew Carey: Sir what is your bid?.. Me: I don't want that.. Drew: Sir you have to bid.. Me: [leans down to mic] No thank you.

   (Calm announcers voice) And Here we see Flavor Flav panicking as he crosses the International Date Line

   NASA scientist sees me eating a corn chip I found in my shoe and cancels the program to stop an asteroid hitting the Earth

   I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful

   Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday

   I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...

   Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?

   I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.

   My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice