Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer...

   Chance of being the correct response when she asks "Notice anything different?" Hair 30% New shoes 25% Lost weight 20% Transitioning 3%..

   Hey, did you know that Bruce...."He goes by Caitlyn now."... Ugh,,, fine. Did you know that Caitlyn Wayne is Batman?

   It amazes me when doctors call their mistakes practice.

   All I'm sayin, is that I bet that divorce lawyers spent a lot of time staging electric train wrecks as kids

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   I have gotten out of bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And not ONE ab to show for it.

   Holy s$it Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?

   Can you imagine parents nowadays explaining to their kids how they met? “Well, it all started one day when your dad ‘liked’ one of my selfies.”

   I think I'm gonna start giving ugly girls the phone numbers of guys I hate.

   Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but it’s more difficult to regret.

   The Big Mac doesn’t look anything like the ones in the ads… Same goes with people and Facebook profile pics.

   Crying doesnt indicate that youre weak. Since birth, it has been a sign that youre alive.

   Yogi saw a fork in the road and took it! ~ RIP Yogi

   39. If I was a woman, I'd never leave the house. Unless, of course, I was finished cleaning and had permission.

   4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   Only stupid, brainless and robotic idiots think education needs two layers of middle-men taking a cut out of the budget. (state + fed)

   Hipsters are what happens when you tell every child they are special

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.