Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

   Why the hell is Spanish ESPN called ESPN Deportes and not ESPÑol

   It's 2015,,,, why do babies still have cords

   Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   If they ever start handing out medals for not participating in anything, that might be my moment to shine.

   This chick has a couple of good ideas that I would like to motorboat.

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   Why is it so important that we learn how to write a thesis statement? I can't imagine my future boss saying, "have that thesis on my desk by 5 o'clock or it's your ass!

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   Happy labor day to those who actually have to work

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?

   Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother

   Kids, just say no to drugs. Also, just say no if they ask you if daddy does drugs. - Me, if I had kids

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.