Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck WHAT IS IT DOING HERE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Wow. I have 4 events today, none of which I agreed to go to or expressed any interest in whatsoever. Thanks, Facebook!

   Strangers thousands of miles away sharing their emotions and making you smile at times ... Perhaps technology has not failed us after all.

   "The Carpet Exchange" is not where lesbian swingers meet.

   If there is a parallel universe out their with another me who's my opposite. He got universe where the usb goes in the right way first time....I'm the other guy.

   Saturday,,,, an Olympic hopeful was killed with a starter pistol....... Police think it might be race related

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   I got the kids Frozen yesterday... and the sperm bank only charged me $100 for doing it...

   Why can't they just put the power bank batteries on phones and save us all the trouble

   The best part about having multiple personalities is that you're never alone.

   To find out your author name, simply take your first and last names, write a book,, get it published, and read the name on the cover.

   [me narrating a documentary about an octopus].... Look at this fat, wet spider.

   A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

   People that have 7 kids, let's be honest.....do you actually LOVE all those kids?

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   If a shark attacks you,,, DO NOT punch him in the nose... Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

   *sees a knife for the first time..... "WHOA,,, that's the greatest thing since torn bread.."