Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?

   I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?

   Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...

   "Welcome to Costco, I love you."

   I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message

   When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.

   Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."

   Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.

   Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.

   According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.

   At work since 6am, awake since 7am.

   Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.

   I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.

   If a person has an imaginary friend, it's crazy. If several people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion.

   If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bull crap..

   Never underestimate the lawyer of a champion