Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
←Rate | 08-08-2015 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
←Rate | 08-08-2015 16:11 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I fear no man," I whisper, trembling before a group of women.
←Rate | 08-09-2015 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet everything thing you eat and drink at Donald Trump's house has a hair in it.
←Rate | 08-09-2015 09:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My biggest fear is meeting my soulmate in Arkansas and finding out she's a product of Centuries of inbreeding.
←Rate | 08-09-2015 09:41 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only exercise I've done this month is running out of money
←Rate | 08-09-2015 12:39 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...I had to smash."
←Rate | 08-09-2015 17:58 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  


   messageicon I respect womens opinions until they say they're in a relationship.
←Rate | 08-10-2015 01:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?
←Rate | 08-10-2015 07:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thank God for yoga pants because I used up all of my imgination back in the 90's descrambling cable tv porn.
←Rate | 08-10-2015 08:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When the morning hits your eye like a big smelly cow pie.... That's A-Mon-dayyyyyy......
←Rate | 08-10-2015 09:29 by M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I'm finally ready to start harassing people.
←Rate | 08-10-2015 14:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon so they're growing their own vegetables on an International Space Station that cost billions of dollars and it's still cheaper than Whole Foods.
←Rate | 08-10-2015 17:50 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only reason the national nightly news is still on is to show all the new drug commercials.
←Rate | 08-10-2015 19:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
←Rate | 08-10-2015 19:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 00:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"
←Rate | 08-11-2015 10:29 by Brian Boyd Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.
←Rate | 08-11-2015 12:01 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...
←Rate | 08-11-2015 13:20 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...
←Rate | 08-11-2015 13:27 Comments (0)  




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