Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd vote for Donald Trump just to watch him tell Obama he's fired... ‪#‎justsaying‬

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   If we elect Donald Trump for president, there will be hell toupee...

   Donald Trump is what happens when John Boehner bangs a llama.

   I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!