Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk

   My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.

   Anyone know where the closest government funded fetal part auction is?

   Don't worry Brady, Arizona just took the spot light off you with the worst decision in NFL history

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy the 45 minutes of Kenny Rogers greatest hits, and we'll be right with you.

   My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.

   I bet the guy that named the fireplace also named the hot air balloon.

   When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML

   Wish that the media was more interested in Hillary's emails than Tom Brady's deflated balls

   Well if I was going to get a disease, getting legionnaires disease sounds like I should have a handle bar mustache and monocle while drinking scotch.

   Dear Roger Goodell,, Please remember the counsel you surround yourself with should be assets not asshats....

   The Dentist from the US that hunted and killed CecilTheLion,, apparently now is hunting the Scarecrow and Tin Man

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   Accidentally used my credit card instead of my hotel pass key and now I apparently own this whole building.

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Everything is falling apart according to plan..

   When I party I party hard, but I don't drink and drive. I take an ambulance.

   Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

   Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

   4 out of 5 densits agree that shooting a lion is bad for the long term health of your business.