Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hot singles in your area want to work out and eat healthy while you watch Netflix in your underwear .

   I never get caught because I've watched all 27 seasons of Cops..

   It's like my grandma always used to say, everyone needs to get that 1st starter marriage out-of-the-way!

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   Since we're not allowed to talk about gun control right after mass shootings, having them happen back-to-back is a real time-saver...

   Russians; the other white p eople.

   said it before and I say it again: Ive said it before and say it again ...

   How is gun control working in Chicago?

   With all the craziness going on in the world, I can just say; stay strapped, my friends.

   I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   We're not friends until I have at least 38 pictures of you passed out somewhere on on my phone.

   Soooo.... I take it we should expect to see Hulk Hogan put in his bid for the next GOP Presidental candidate now?

   We are not going to call him President Trump, instead he simply prefers "the Donald"

   ok i'm done with the ice bucket Challenge .... WHATS next ?

   It's what's on the inside that counts, and other things ugly people say.

   Sometimes I do FB with my 3D glasses on... It's almost like you guys are right here with me!!

   With another unfortunate mass shooting incident, this will respark another debate about how rampant gun violence is... WAIT!! HULK HOGAN SAID THE N-WORD?!!!! Stop the presses!!!