Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   So aparently I've been doing this "coffee" thing all wrong. It wakes you up way faster if you have your 6 year old knock it over into your lap.

   Just did a Google search for Gary Oldman.... for the love of God, don't forget the 'R".

   My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.

   hospital is a place where they'll wake you up from sleep to give you a sleeping pill.

   Guys try too hard to sound intelligent on Facebook to impress a chick who's sleeping with a dude who can't even read

   You know who else says I'M FINE when they are clear not fine? Satan

   Today has been a very stressful day. So I'm pouring vodka over my salad instead of dressing because I'm trying to be healthy.

   Newest Facebook Relationship Status: Pre-divorce

   In the 50's things where better then they are today!...and oh yeah! you're an idiot

   saw myself naked in the mirror and now my hand isn't in the mood

   So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Umm. . . Unless your muzlim, women in the USA had the right to vote in the 1920's

   Wonder which one of the Looney Toons is going to bang LeBrons mom on Space Jam 2?

   You know its good sex when she stars screaming some other guys name.

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   Just Donated blood..I hope whoever gets it likes wine. 🍷

   The only advantage of an old enemy is that they can distract you from the devilment of new ones.