Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   60 And Pregnant #UnpopularTelevisionShows.

   My automatic ice maker has 2 settings... 1) Off....... 2) It's 3 AM & There's a Killer in the Kitchen

   I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.

   Ashley Madison's servers were hacked, just in case your husband seems really nervous today for no reason...

   In 2001, we invade Iraq and Afghanistan on the intel that they "might" have weapons of mass destruction. In 2015, we give weapons of mass destruction to Iran while they chant "Death To America"

   I just found out that my dog doesn't like Bacon.. BACON !!... I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

   When considering joining a site offering secret infidelity but requires you register with a name/photo, a good alternative is to not do that

   Basiji, in Iran, calls "Death To America" not the whole nation – Basijis are some minority brain-washed people like you who wrote this statement. The Radical party intimidates - forces - people and brings them to street.

   I told my wife that a cheating website had been hacked and marriages would be in ruins because of it. I just caught her deleting browser history from LittleDebbie.com.

   When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans.".. All I hear is that there's a bear out that knows how to use matches

   Episode I of Star Wars is the best of the entire franchise and Jar Jar Binks is probably the greatest character to come from all 6 films

   Im acraid that I nade a maitake turning off autocorrd t

   I hate not seeing someone for awhile and they tell you all the things they post in Facebook.

   I'm "All the kids were free-range kids" years old.

   The Grapes of Wrath is my favorite book title talking about a Woman drinking wine and angrily planning on burning your house to the ground.

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   I'm keeping up with the Kardashians ..... my dad I s gone too

   Follow your dream. Unless... it's a person. They'd call it stalking.

   My therapist said I should tap more into my creative side, so I just made a hash pipe using a Kiwi and a ball point pen.

   Instead of getting periods, can girls just get a text once a month from mother nature saying "You're not pregnant, have a nice day!"