Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe suicide bombers get 72 virgin daquiri's. You don't know.

   Auto Mechanic: Well, looks like you blew a seal. Penguine Eating Icecream: *Wips beak with flipper* Oh, no. That's just vinalla ice cream.

   The "Lift" scene in Dirty Dancing, but me and my first beer after work.

   A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he's just there to touch your boobs.

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion.

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.

   *stretches condom over foot* "Of course I know how to do the sex, but why don't you go ahead and tell me so that I know you know"

   Your lips are saying "No", but your rape whistle is saying "maybe".

   "Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her husband. What makes her think she can satisfy the country?" -Monica Lewinsky

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   "America finally found solution to avoid population growth thru same sex 👬marriages" LMAO👭

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   aac Newton had an apple before they were cool

   I am not as worried about growing old as I am foundering myself on these Flathead Cherries

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion

   not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!/€

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   If I love you only for your looks rather than for your soul, then you better be worried because I will dump your ass like yesterday’s mashed potatoes the next chance I get to hook up with someone cuter than you.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.