Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's flip a coin. Heads I get tail. Tails I get head.

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   That selfie of you perched upon the toilet intoxicated was truly charming. What finishing school did you attend, my delicate flower?

   In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired".

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   If hJared Fogle goes to jail for this, he can expect a footlong of a different variety.

   The police raid Jareds house where he confesses that he never liked Subway sandwiches in the first place.

   Subway always charges more than 5 bucks for their foot longs, bout time the FEDs do something about that.

   Subway's new slogan should be "Eat fresh, but not TOO fresh."

   You know, it didn't say anywhere in my Subway contract that I couldn't order off the kid's menu."

   "Hi Kids! Wanna see how I lost all this weight playing hide the salami? And you might get to see my footlong!!! (which is actually 11")

   Apparently Jared was also fond of the occasional 2 inch sub.

   *Sitting around camp fire* And when your phone rang, you had no idea who it was *kids get up and run away screaming*