Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

   If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.

   Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

   Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California

   The Asians haven't been this embarrassed since William Hung was singing "She Bangs, She Bangs"

   I just heard my grandma yell "The United States is dropping the bomb on Japan again!"

   Am I the only one that thinks some of the Japanese players will be executed? #fifa

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? About Tennish.

   If being gay was so wrong, then why didn't it make it onto God's top 10 list?

   Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, who's Right's, Belief's, or Heritage should we isht on this week?

   Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.

   Let's just call a car what it really is....a mobile phone charger,,,

   If you carry the bricks from the past, you'll only end up building the same house..,,