Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you have been neglecting your own life when you keep up with the Kardashians, know most celebrities’ birthdays and are up to date on most celebrities’ lives and know all their favourite foods.

   "Ham-fisted" sounds glorious to some.

   There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   to all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.

   There's no way to close your curtains without looking like your murdered everyone in your house.

   5 manly shampoo scents: 1. Beef Jerky 2. Cigar smoke 3. Gun powder 4. Lawn clippings 5. Home Depot.

   BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree.

   "Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..

   [Job Interview] "Do you have any questions?" How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles? "I m..eant about the job" Oh, no I'm good

   In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(

   Carli Lloyd - the next Atomic Bomb to be dropped on Japan

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."