Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".

   I just tossed two almonds in my bag of skittles. So now it's TRAIL MIX, and therefore healthy.

   Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

   No Woman will take over my life again,,,,,whats that, be right there honey.!

   It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!

   If you look in the mirror & say Candyman 3 times, my father will appear & tell you that you're getting fat.