Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   Why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me?

   Me and her are having a poking battle on Facebook, so you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   I've been on a million first dates in my life, but there is still no rejection like a toddler refusing to high five you back...

   I make her coffee every morning exactly the way she likes it because I love her... and because if I didn't she would stab me repeatedly.!

   Kindly read the book which hasn't been adulterated by Human additions/versions. The Book which is timeless and has been perfected for all mankind (till da end). Apparently, Straight Pride is nw frowned upon. What a m3ntally r3tarded society we live in

   If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".

   Just had coffee so black that it looted the silverware from the table.

   Now we have to see our suspected gay FB friends under a colored rainbow app...

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6...

   Too bad the Kardashians drove off into a snow ditch and not off a cliff....

   President Obama just stepped out of the White House on this Presidents Day and seen his shadow. Looks like we're in for another year of bullshit....

   Notice how the KFC and the Burger King in Ferguson suffered no damages in the riots. Brother has gotta eat....

   President's Day was in February you jack@$$...

   Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it means to sit down and listen

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   Ask SIri "What is zero divided by zero", and get ready for a laugh.

   A Tennessee Hardware shop has put up a sign that says "No Gays Allowed". His homophobia is readily explained by the other sign in his shop "Today's Special: 25 cents for 12 inch screws!"

   I just met a girl, she is very pretty, super nice and her bike seat smells like strawberries

   Didn't wanna say how hot it was in my room last night but 2 hobbits came round and threw a ring in it