Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I wish my life were more exciting Alcohol: Have another drink and call your ex

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   I can't tell what's currently doing worse, my love life or my bank account

   If you want the perfect girlfriend date Wonder Woman..Oh wait, she's not real either!

   yet another bad week to be a knuckle dragging neo-con

   cons can't understand the US Supreme Court I see. Never paid attention in government class in grade school, is the reason

   Let's drink until we don't have feelings

   Facebook so fresh, you can taste the rainbow

   Somewhere over the rainbow photoshop lies.

   Alcohol? Yes. Feelings? No.

   When a mosquito bites you and it dies of alcohol poisoning you're doing something right

   When did Facebook become Rod, Jane and Freddy?

   My news feed is starting to look like a battle broke out between the Confederates and a skittles factory.

   Hot girls look even hotter when riding a bike. Fat girls look even fatter while riding a bike. It's science.

   Everyone's all "confederate flag" this, "gay marriage" that. And I'm just sitting here waiting for the new Minions movie to come out.

   Gay Marriage legal and not one Bruce Jenner joke. You guys need to step up your game.

   What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?

   Guy:My hair is not usually this messy. Girl: Really? Your hair is saying, "I wish I was emo so I can cut myself"

   I would totally watch a House Hunters companion show that explains how some of these idiots have so much freakin' money.

   I never ever delete messages… just in case someone decides to start acting different like you weren’t saying that May 14, 2013 at 1:22 PM.