Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?".. Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and said it would be $6 for coffee"

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on,,,, *that's just science

   Just ate 3 tennis balls by mistake,,,, frig you Pringle's.

   The Ark, Day 1,,,, NOAH: OK, lions, you're in L CARGO,,, bears, you're in B CARGO,,, and snails, you're in S CARGO....

   I think you meant to say, "Leave things that don't exist alone you idiots"

   Girls are not that complicated? Dude, girls are a jenga crossword puzzle combined with a Rubic’s cube strapped on a terrorist who is screaming you in a language you don’t understand.

   Not enough dishes to fill up dishwasher. Had to wash three cups and a fork by hand. This must be what it felt like to live in the old west

   So apparently, BFF, does not stand for 'big fat friend'. sorry Maureen on FB.

   I don't have any friends. Is enemies with benefits a thing?

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   *Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"

   The mexicans said to Donald Trump "estás despedido, estúpido idiota"

   In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay

   What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.

   This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators