Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.

   I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   *Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*

   emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   Sorry I almost knocked over your toddler Mr Shouty, but as you can see I'm trying to rollerblade and take a selfie.

   Why in the world is there no bacon emoji.... It's really hard to text your grocery list when there's no emoji for bacon!!

   "I'm going to open a restaurant called" "Peace and Quiet" where" noisy people "meals cost $150."

   Most bars should be called peace and quiet, after the no smoking signs went up