Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cain killed Abel by bashing him over the head with a rock. Guns would not be invented for another 8000 years or so.

   You mean didn't exist I assume.. You're correct.

   What an idiot that Maury is, inviting me onto his "Father's Day DNA special"..... I don't even have any kids.

   Well, it's that time of the year again when the $150 a week I invest in child maintenance finally pays off by providing me with a pair of socks.

   6 yrs now the dogs have forgotten fathers day...not even a hug..

   Happy Father's Day, Bruce Jenner!

   Enters gynecologist's exam room wearing a lab coat and giant foam finger

   Happy Father's Day, God!

   Well I guess Caitlyn Jenner missed out on both Mother and Father's Day this year....

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   it bugs me when an ugly girl has her one hot friend in every profile pic. It took me 3 weeks to realize I friended the dud

   Ideas are cheap, execution matters.

   There should be cell phone chargers & free WiFi in waiting rooms instead of magazines & crappy TV.

   If the only text you receive all day is from your phone company saying that you've exhausted your data for the month, you ugly.

   girls that drive vans are sexy, just because you know they put out.

   Father's Day....the most confusing day in the ghetto.

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   some guy on the highway just flipped me off, I would have done it back but I would have had to put down my phone or candy bar. Wasn't worth it.

   girl jogging down the road in yoga pants. Of course I was checking it out. She knew to turn around and see if I was. Totally busted.

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things